I would argue that the BIGGEST thing that separates a woman who is successful at attracting the love that she wants and the woman that does not is her mindset. In other words, the way that you think about yourself, men, dating, and relationships directly affects your results.
Your mindset and your beliefs are the one area that it would helpful for you to work on before you even start dating. In fact, all areas of life work this way – what separates those who succeed at getting what they want and those who don’t is the way that they think.
The reason that so many women out there struggle with dating and relationships is that they have unhelpful mindsets.
I am going to share with you 3 mindsets that are holding you back from love and may prevent you from attracting and keeping a high value man if you don’t turn them around.
The first mindset is having the expectation that men and women are “equal”.
*Unpopular opinion alert*
I could probably go on about this FOREVER (but I’ll do my best not to:)).
Men and women deserve the same level of respect, love, admiration, treatment, appreciation, opportunity, financial compensation, and others that I may have missed.
These things are not gender-determined and should not be negotiable.
If you are a human being then you deserve equal treatment as everyone else. Period.
However, when it comes to relationships, it is important to understand that men and women are not “equal” in a lot of ways within relationships. This is because we want different things, we are better at different things, and we need to create a dynamic of polarity in order to maintain attraction. Read more on feminine/masculine polarity in this article.
The goal is to appreciate these differences and accentuate each other’s strengths. Most importantly, you need to be able to balance masculine and feminine energies both within yourself and in a relationship in order to feel fulfilled.
One of the biggest problems these days is that the majority of women are resistant to the idea that men and women are energetically different.
Many women reject the idea that a man should be able to lead, provide for them, and protect them (lead with their masculine energy). The fact is that men feel more comfortable in their masculine energy and yet, many women don’t accept this about men and they drain them of the opportunity to be in their masculine.
In addition, many women out there are resistant to their own femininity and their true desires. They also reject the idea that a woman is feminine in her nature and that she wants to laugh, dance, play, and feel cherished and loved.
The reality is that women have this resistance because they have blocked off parts of themselves out of fear of getting hurt.
Behind all of this resistance is simply fear and denial of what is true. What is true is that most women WANT to be with a masculine energy man and they WANT to be a feminine energy woman.
Resisting the fact that you want this type of dynamic in a relationship means that you will never have the relationship that you truly want – not because you can’t, but because you will never allow yourself to have it.
At the same time, I believe that we are all absolutely unique. If whatever you are doing in your love life is working for you, keep doing it! What works for one relationship may not always work for another relationship.
There ARE women out there who prefer to be the ones wearing the pants in the relationship and being predominantly in their masculine energy and they are comfortable with a man who is in his feminine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that IF it is what your heart truly desires. But in my experience, this is a rare exception.
This is why it is important for you to dig deep inside of yourself and understand what you truly want from a relationship. Figure out whether you are resisting the masculine power of a man and the feminine energy that you have within you. Ask yourself whether you are afraid of being vulnerable, rejected, or truly seen. Perhaps this is the reason that you have trouble connecting with your femininity and trusting masculine men.
The mindset of entitlement
There are two extreme sides of a spectrum that women often to fall into in their romantic lives.
On one side is the entitlement mindset – the idea that men owe you and they need to prove themselves to you (and usually, meet unrealistic expectations).
The other extreme side of the spectrum is the tendency to put men on a pedestal, to forget about themselves, and to allow men to cross their boundaries just because they feel a sense of chemistry.
Neither of these extreme mindsets are helpful in getting you the love that you want- and they both come from a place of fear.
Let’s talk about entitlement first.
Many women feel entitled to certain treatment from men without needing to offer anything in return. They feel like men ARE the problem and therefore it is the man and the man ONLY that has to prove that he is worthy. In this scenario, a woman does not have to offer a man anything to a man. She has no problem giving a man a “F**k off look” from across the bar but she will never in a million years show him her smile.
A lot of women do not realize that they are focused on their own sense of importance and entitlement. They have the belief that men should always approach them, prove their worth, and be the ones to do EVERYTHING for the woman.
In fact, women who think this way end up treating men like crap, assume the worst of them, and never have their expectations met in a relationship, no matter what a man does.
The mindset of entitlement will definitely prevent you from attracting a healthy partner who is willing to open up and give you what you want.
Ask yourself if you have ever been that woman. And if you have, it’s totally okay. I have been that woman and so have many others!
You may have been raised and/or conditioned over time to form negative beliefs about men.
Many women have been hurt by men in the past and they have built up resentment and fear towards them. Women have often experienced betrayal, dishonesty, abuse, being used for sex, to name a few. This led them to close off their hearts and minds and refuse to meet a man halfway.
While it is true that men are better at challenges and will usually be okay with “working” a little bit to earn your attention and to win you over, they do not want to be looked down upon or unappreciated by a woman. If their efforts go unrecognized and if the woman they are dating is trying to leech off of their resources or energy, they simply will not stick around.
It is important to remember that not all men are out there to hurt you. The sooner you realize this and let go of stereotypes about men, the sooner you can attract the man that you actually want – because what you believe is what you will attract. The key here is to identify the beliefs that are holding you back and shift them into more productive ones.
The mindset of “He is Price Charming”
Entitlement was the first extreme side of the spectrum that many women fall into.
The second extreme is the belief that “he is Prince Charming” and therefore, nothing else matters anymore. This is a common pattern that unfolds when women fall in love with a guy, or should I say, fall in LUST.
They meet a guy that they like and they feel a strong attraction towards him. They begin to notice ONLY his positive qualities (and potentially miss some red flags), and they put him on a pedestal early on in the dating process. They start investing more and more of their thoughts and emotions into this guy and treat him like he is a royal prince or the last man on earth.
This is the point where many women could use a dating coach because it is exactly where they get confused and over-involved. They become so attached to the idea of one guy being perfect that their boundaries and standards get thrown out the window.
They forget about themselves and what they truly want and need.
They want to fall in love so badly that they are willing to sacrifice their own sense of self in order to be liked by this man that they barely know.
This is an extreme side of the mindset spectrum because you are neglecting yourself by putting him on a pedestal. It is not effective to act in this way because you are making his needs more important than yours, when in reality, his needs are NOT more important than yours!
If you make his needs more important then you start overlooking the things that matter to you – like how soon you sleep with him or what you allow him to get away with.
Remember that when you cross your own boundaries you also give permission for a guy to cross them. Eventually, you may end up in a situation where he will lose interest, pull away, or go hot and cold.
So it is important to NOT put a guy on a pedestal and make him special too soon. Remember, you are BOTH demonstrating your value as potential partners to one another.
The sweet middle spot
There is a sweet middle spot between feeling entitled and dropping everything for “Price Charming” and it is the ability to show up as a high value woman.
The sweet middle spot is where you do not put a guy’s needs first or neglect your own emotions. At the same time, you do not make YOURSELF better than him by expecting him to be the only one investing. You know that there are good guys out there who deserve to be treated with respect. Guys that deserve your love and admiration, and you are therefore willing to work on yourself in order to attract those good guys.
If you inspire him with your feminine energy, your light and radiance, and your best authentic self, then he will want to do more for you. You also must remember to set boundaries and expectations for how you will be treated. This is what will make him share his resources, time, heart, and attention in return.
Give a man your appreciation. Show him your feminine, sensual, and lively side. Reward him when he does something for you.
You have to remember that if you want to attract a good man who will open his heart to you – a man who will connect with you on a mind, heart, and body level – then you need to be receptive to him. You need to let go of the fearful, closed up, entitled part of you. You need to drop the act and soften up.
My suggestion is that from now on, anytime you go on a date with a man – assume that he has good intentions.
Of course, not ALL men have good intentions and you need to be able to recognize the right and wrong men (my #1 e-book and program will help you understand how to spot low value and high value men).
This is why you take things slow so that you have a chance to see how he treats you. But the more you give men the benefit of the doubt (until they prove otherwise), the more you are willing to truly open up, the more likely you are to attract high value men.
Rather than approaching a date or a new man from a defensive, fearful, or entitled place – ask yourself what you can offer him.
You need to be willing to offer a good man value.
When a woman approaches men from a place of entitlement and behaves as if men “owe her” something, a good man will pick up on this energy and he will be repelled by it. No man wants to be with a woman who simply wants to take all of his resources.
Giving him value does not mean that you should chase him or invest in the relationship more than he does. What it does mean is that you should try to show up as your best, most high value self when you are with a man.
Remember, entitlement will never attract a healthy, masculine man who has a lot to offer and is open to loving you. Dropping all standards and boundaries for a man will not get a man to commit either. Always aim for the sweet middle spot.
Ask yourself where you are holding negative beliefs about men. Ask yourself if you can relate to any of the mindsets that are holding you back from love. Ask yourself whether you feel tense, uncomfortable, or fearful when you are around men. Pay attention to how you speak about men. Then work on reframing the negative thought patterns so that you can finally attract the soul-connection that you deserve.