In an ideal world, a relationship is born when two people who are independent, happy, and full of internal resources come together. They come together in order to add to each other’s lives – as a bonus.The relationship itself is the cherry on top of the cake, not the flour that holds the cake together. In an ideal world, two people do not enter a relationship from a place of lack – from a place of need.
But as you probably know, we don’t live in an ideal world…
The reality is that most people want a relationship because
- They do not want to be lonely or bored
- They want someone to love them and help raise their self-esteem
- They want someone to provide them with resources (children, security, control, status, attention, love, sex, and so on…)
We enter a relationship not with the intention of loving our partner unconditionally, we enter it because we expect to get some VALUE from our partner. When most people start a relationship, their subconscious thoughts are something like this — what can this person give me? What NEED can they fulfill that I cannot fulfill myself? How can this person make me feel “whole”?
Our goal is to find someone who will love us more than we love ourselves, someone who will heal our emotional wounds for us – whether we are aware of it or not.
…And so eventually we find that person (or at least we think we do). The one that raises us up, boosts our self-confidence, gives us the love and intimacy that we crave.
But then what happens?
We become dependent on our partner for our own happiness. The biggest problem with this is the fact that we become possessive and controlling of our partner when we are so dependent on them. We become slaves to our emotions. Eventually, this leads to disappointment, conflict, and pain– and all because of one thing.
SO WHAT IS THE #1 CAUSE OF FAILED RELATIONSHIPS?
Expectation that our partner will meet all of our needs, all of the time.
Expectation that they eat, walk, and talk in a certain way.
Expectation that they will never change,
Expectation that they will be the same person 10 years from now as they are today.
Such expectations are unrealistic and they practically guarantee disappointment. And yet, so many people hold their partners to such expectations every single day, especially women. Not only are they wasting their precious energy and time by doing this but they are not realizing that this is the exact cause of failed relationships.
Most women expect their man to love them unconditionally, to give them 100% of their time and attention, to do whatever they want them to do WHENEVER they want. In other words, to behave in a way that feels comfortable to THEM. It is impossible for your partner to meet all of your needs and you should never expect him to.
You see, when you rely on your partner to meet all of your emotional needs, to erase all of your insecurities, you end up having a major stake in HIS behaviour, in WHO he is, because you begin to see him as an extension of you. As result, you eventually start to judge, criticize, demand. You expect your beloved to live up to your standards and it is so important for you to remain in control. Eventually every little thing he does “wrong” starts to annoys you.
Whenever you feel crummy, you blame your partner. Whenever you feel frustrated at the traffic, you take it out on your partner. Whenever you feel bored and unromantic, it’s his fault. Instead of being accountable for your own emotions, you blame your significant other. Is it fair to place that burden on him? Not really. It only makes you disappointed and in the end, your relationship suffers.
If this sounds familiar, then you may have handed over YOUR responsibility to your partner. And it’s time to take it back. See this post on how to be the most attractive goddess and find the man of your dreams.
YOUR PARTNER IS NOT AN EXTENSION OF YOU
Most people dissolve themselves into their partners and so they end up with a loss of respect, attraction, and motivation in their relationships.
If you want to know how to keep your relationship strong, if you want to have a deeply gratifying love life that is full of romance, intense attraction, and soul-penetrating connection, then you need to understand that you and your partner are entirely separate entities. Have respect for the separateness that is your man. This is what will save your relationship in the long run.
We judge others because we judge ourselves and this is why we get most frustrated with the people closest to us. We falsely assume that our lover is an extension of US. They are not. Take a step back and observe your partner without judgment, as if he were a stranger, and just let him be. Even when you think you know him better than he knows himself, accept the fact that you will never know him the way that he knows himself.
Respect that he is a separate person with his own moods, thoughts, insecurities, and priorities. He will not always behave in the way that you want him to.
The more you can accept this and learn to give up control, the longer the fire will continue to burn in your relationship and the more your attraction to one another will grow.
Let go of any judgment.
Be open to the possibility that he will be a different person every single day (let’s hope, of course, that he won’t actually be ;)) but give him the freedom to be who he is. Learn not to rely on him for your self-esteem or emotional state – rely on YOURSELF for this instead. Do not be affected by his mood, learn to CREATE your own mood.
Allow your partner to be himself and allow you to be yourself, without interference.
If in doubt, remember that it is not about YOU. Men do things for their own reasons, it may be to boost their ego, their masculinity, their insecurity, and so on. Most of the time, they are not trying to hurt you. Instead of becoming upset or angry, have compassion for him. This is why it is so important to understand men. To find out more, go here.
Learn to give up control. Simply let things unfold as they do and watch as if you are watching a movie – without trying to predict what will happen next. Let go of the need to control things. You will see how your relationship will start to flow with ease.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RELEASE ALL EXPECTATION?
The less expectations you set with your guy, the better. When you set high expectations you will become upset each time they are not met.
As a result, these expectations cause you to nitpick at every detail. You hold onto and build negative emotions inside of you while your partner has no idea what’s going on! This slowly eats away at your relationship.
The beauty of releasing expectations is you no longer judge him or try to control his behaviour because you always know that it is not about you. Whether your partner says “thank you” or doesn’t or whether he washed the dishes or didn’t – these things do not matter to you anymore – because you are not emotionally attached to an outcome. Letting go of expectations will help you avoid being angry, upset, controlling, resentful, and so on.
Accept the fact that there will not always be 100% comfort in your relationship (and in life, really) because you can only control yourself, not anyone or anything around you.
LET GO, BUT TUNE IN
The key to creating a fulfilling, committed, intensely powerful relationship is allowing each other to be yourselves while fulfilling each other’s needs and creating boundaries. This is how you keep your relationship strong.
Letting go of expectations means that you let go when it comes to your man’s preferences, opinions, and needs. You accept that they are different from yours and that they may change. However, just because you allow your partner to be himself does not mean that you tolerate bad behaviour or poor treatment towards you. It does not mean that you let it slide every time he gets angry and criticizes you or if he comes home drunk and pissed off every night. No, THAT you take personally.
At the same time, it is very important that you tune into each other and ensure that you both have your needs met. Instead of anticipating something from him and then being upset when you don’t get it, speak up and talk to your guy ahead of time. Check in with each other whenever something bothers you. Tell each other what you do and don’t like, what drives you crazy, and so on. If your partner is doing something that is hurting you, tell him. Do not swallow those emotions.
And of course, work on becoming your greatest version so that you do not have to look to your partner to heal all of your wounds.
HOW TO LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS AND REMAIN IN LOVE?
Let’s say he comes home from work and plays video games all evening and this annoys you to no end. Every time he does this, you have an urge to yell, get upset, and tell him to stop wasting time on such a useless hobby.
Will yelling at him make him stop? Maybe. Is it because he WANTED to stop? Doubt it.
All that you need to do in this situation is accept this part of him. Accept that he enjoys playing video games for hours on end. Let it go and do not nag.
Remember that anytime you try to deliberately control his behavior in order to get what you want, you will fail.
What you can do instead is once he is away from the video games and is ready to spend some quality time with you – make it worth his while. Make him feel amazing. Take him to the bedroom, cook him a nice meal or make him a snack, give him a massage. Give him a REWARD for being away from gaming. That is what works.
When you do this it will replace his desire for video games because he will know that something better awaits him if he chooses to spend time with you instead. The key word is chooses. He will WANT to come to you and spend time with you out of his own free will, not because you were nagging him and he felt obligated. This is a much better alternative, don’t you think :)?
IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A “STAKE” IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
What is love, anyway? Is it ever truly unconditional? Doubtful.
You always have a “stake” in a relationship and that’s fine. Relationships are about taking and giving value and there is beauty and harmony in that.
The key is to remember not to melt into your partner and forget that you are separate people.
If you find yourself constantly judging, controlling, and demanding things from your man, then this can destroy your relationship and cause you both to fall out of love. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many people and this is why many relationships ultimately fail. Simply understanding and being aware of this is already a major leap in the right direction.
The real secret to keeping a relationship satisfying, harmonious, full of passionate and loving energy is letting go of as many expectations as possible. You have chosen each other, and now your job is to allow your partner to be himself, to respect your differences. Stop looking to your partner to heal you – remember that this is your responsibility and yours alone. And remember to let go.
Have a beautiful and inspiring day!
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I am inspired, thank you.
I am so glad you enjoyed it! <3
It is so true! Don’t expect people to change in the way you want them !
Thank you for all this insight, Darya. Exactly my weak point! Echoes from my upbringing that I’m trying hard to recondition! The hardest journey I’ve ever gone on – but it’s worth it. Slowly but steadily as I change the love of my life changes, too … It is truly give and take.
You’re welcome Pat and thank you for sharing! XoXo