Have you ever dated someone and found yourself wondering what if there is someone better out there?
Have you ever questioned whether you were “settling” in your relationship?
Well this is what I want to talk with you about today.
Is the grass really greener on the other side?
The question to this answer is not simple…but when you look at it from the right perspective, you will realize that it isn’t so complicated, either.
Once you have been in a relationship for some time, it is normal to occasionally be curious about how life would be different without your partner. But the question to ask yourself is is this a thought that lingers? Is this a thought that constantly occupies your mind and makes you question your entire relationship? If so, then you may have a problem.
The Paradox of Choice
In this day and age, we have Tinder, Bumble, Match, and so on – we have access to all sorts of dating websites and seemingly endless options.
On top of that, we have short attention spans and very little patience.
And even higher on top of THAT, we are bombarded with Hollywood films that have unrealistic portrayals of fairy-tale love stories.
As a result, there is a perception that we have all the choice in the world. This is what the paradox of choice is all about. Having too many options can be a BAD thing because it creates the illusion that there is ALWAYS more be found. As a result, we can find ourselves searching for love endlessly.
The paradox of choice is so dangerous because it creates the illusion that it is possible to have everything so you start to feel like something is wrong when you realize that you don’t have everything.
So why SHOULD you settle for just ONE option when there are so many more out there?
Look, lovely. True happiness comes from the ability to be grateful for what you HAVE. It is the ability to invest in the beauty that is in front of you and being appreciative once you get it, rather than chasing after more.
In reality, it is impossible to have everything – and that is alright! You do not need to have everything in order to be happy.
There are always trade-off in life. Your job is to decide what trade-offs you are willing to make. This doesn’t mean ‘settling’ for less than you want, it means having enough self-awareness to understand what you truly need to be happy and what you don’t need, rather than trying to achieve perfection.
The same applies when it comes to love and relationships. It is important to understand that committing to someone is a choice – and like any choice in life, it comes with risks and rewards. But once you find someone great and you make the conscious decision to be fully and utterly devoted, there is simply no room for you to go looking elsewhere.
So how do you know if that guy you’re dating is ‘the best you can do?’ or will you really find greener grass on the other side if you leave?
Here is what you should consider before making any rash decisions.
Are You Focusing on the Negatives?
Remember the idea in the law of attraction that what you focus on, expands? If not, go here to see how the of attraction can change your life.
Our patterns of thought create our reality. Some people have habits of thinking positively about their relationship and others have a habit of focusing on what their relationship lacks. But these patterns are created by YOU.
What you focus on matters.
The more time you spend thinking about the negatives in a relationship, the more you will feed that negativity until, eventually, it will become your reality.
What some women tend to do is focus on ONE quality that their guy lacks. They then start to compare him with someone who DOES have that one quality and it starts to seem super important. That is how the grass begins to appear greener elsewhere.
Ask yourself what you are regularly focusing on. If you are preoccupied with all of the little things that bother you about your partner then eventually, the shortcomings will be the only thing that you see. Try to actively focus on the good things that your partner does for you and on his positive qualities ONLY. Do this for a couple of weeks and see what happens.
The point is that our minds are very powerful and what we think about is what becomes true for us. Just because you find yourself thinking that the grass may be greener on the other side, do not be quick to assume that you are with the wrong partner. You may simply need to shift your focus.
Is it Even Possible to Find Someone “Perfect”?
It is important to understand that perfection is not what it seems. If you really think about it, there is always someone out there that does SOMETHING better. Nobody is perfect at everything – but most of us are better at something than someone else. This means that we all have more of a certain quality than other people do.
We are not all equally charismatic, empathetic, funny, or talented singers, but we each have a combination of unique skills and qualities that nobody else has. Your partner has a combination of qualities in specific proportions that nobody else has. He is unique, but not PERFECT.
And do you want to know what is better than perfect?
Someone who is perfect for YOU. And the difference between PERFECT and PERFECT FOR YOU is astronomical.
It is the uniqueness of an individual that makes him special to us.
This is why you have to look at the big picture. Maybe he has a bunch of qualities that you love about him – he makes you laugh and he is a great conversationalist – BUT he has a crappy job and that bothers you… or maybe he has an excellent job but he is so busy that he can barely spend any time with you.
You need to ask yourself ‘How ESSENTIAL are these things to my happiness in a relationship?’
Is it essential that he has a job that you absolutely approve of?
Is it essential that he is able to spend a lot of time with you?
Neither of the above are right or wrong. The answer is totally individual. You have to weigh the pros and the cons in order to understand what is important in a relationship to YOU specifically. That is how you find YOUR perfect.
Personally for me, it is essential that my partner be able to spend a considerable amount of quality time with me. So if when I met my fiancé he told me that he worked late nights, long hours, and had a hectic lifestyle – it would be a deal breaker for me. Why? Because stability is a core need for me in a relationship.
Your core needs and values are the things that you absolutely must have in a relationship in order for you to be happy – the things that you cannot (and should not) compromise on.
If your core needs are not met in your relationship – then the grass MAY indeed be greener on the other side.
What is Truly Important is How Aligned Your Core Values Are.
As a general rule, your core values should be similar to his. If that is the case, then you have already made a giant leap in the right direction.
You should have a similar outlook on relationships, money, family, education, politics, and lifestyle (just make sure you don’t bring them all up on the first date ;)) For more on how to have a great date including what NOT to talk about, go here.
If you are currently with someone who’s values match yours and you are attracted to each other, then with a little bit of effort you can probably work out most kinks in the relationship.
This is why you have to decide what is right for YOU and what you are willing to sacrifice. The irony is that being with the right person does not feel like a sacrifice (hint: if you prefer blondes but he happens to have brown hair, then that is not a MAJOR sacrifice!) When you are with the right person, you should feel an overall sense of gratitude, appreciation, and admiration for that person – of course, some days are better than others 😛
Direct Your Energy INWARD First
Some people are always comparing their lives to others’.
Constant comparison will never make you truly happy.
This is because so much energy and focus is directed towards OTHER people and things.
When we direct all of our energy outside of ourselves, our own lives begin to seem dull and less important.
This is why the habit of comparing your life to other people’s is toxic and unproductive.
The same applies to your romantic relationships.
As tough as it may be, do your best to drop any habits that you have of comparing your relationship to other people’s. Every relationship has its own unique circumstances and we do not have the capacity to understand or to judge it unless we are a part of it.
Those who focus too much on what is happening outside of their own relationship will always believe that the grass out there is greener than theirs. But remember, girl, things only appear better from the outside (unless you haven’t been on Instagram lately :P)
Before you drop everything and decide that you need to leave your relationship and go looking elsewhere, try to direct your energy inward FIRST, towards bettering yourself and YOUR relationship. When we begin to analyse our own situation, we usually find something to improve.
Of course, many people prefer to just take the easy way out. When people have the idea that there is always something better out there, it can lead them to jump from one relationship to another without ever being satisfied, always thinking that this time they will find real love. This time, he will be the real prince charming. Why would you try and work out your problems when it is easier to leave and start fresh?
I know the feeling because I was one of those people. For a long time, I felt that there was always something MORE, someone BETTER. I was addicted to the novelty of a new person and because I felt like there were so many guys out there, I became easily bored. Any time I encountered even the slightest setback in a relationship, I would take the easy way – which was out.
Once I realized that everyone has shortcomings and that there is nothing more powerful than the connection and loving relationship with a guy who is perfect for me, I started to set more realistic standards – and for the record, realistic does not mean low.
Many Relationships End Too Soon
The truth is that a lot of problems in a relationship can be fixed and worked out if we WANT to work them out. Unfortunately, many relationships end prematurely because people choose to leave instead of trying to work out their problems.
The funny thing is that a lot of problems in the relationship are of our OWN creation. Arguments and tension arise because of our insecurities which we project onto our partner.
Have you ever ended a relationship which was in some way problematic and then started a new one where you encountered the exact same problems? I thought so.
Often, when we leave a relationship because of something we are unhappy with, we discover the same issues in the next relationship. The same problems, the same patterns… and the same imperfect people.
You have to work on yourself FIRST. Your thoughts, your expectations, and your insecurities.
Remember that just because a relationship is not perfect, does not make it the wrong relationship.
Of course not all relationships SHOULD be worked out. Some are just too damaging, too toxic, and too unfulfilling to stay in.
So How Do I Know When the Grass REALLY IS Greener Somewhere Else?
Sometimes a relationship really is just too bad to stay in. Sometimes, you really CAN do better.
Here are several reasons that I can think of:
If your relationship mostly consists of arguments and pain and it’s not getting better despite your best efforts
If you hurt each other physically or emotionally and disrespect one another.
If you are careless with each other’s needs/wants and one or both of you refuses to TRY.
If you feel like you are his second choice or if he is yours.
If you do not feel drawn to or have a desire to be intimate with him.
If you feel dismissed, upset, or a deep sense of unfulfillment when you interact with him.
All of those are indicators that you MAY be in an unhealthy relationship. Of course, each situation is unique and there are many factors to consider… but just remember lovely – your life is too precious to be unhappy.
Like Attracts Like
Another circumstance where the grass may truly be greener somewhere else is if you are too different from one another.
Sure, opposites may attract in certain instances. But there must be certain things in common in order for a relationship to truly be sustainable.
Say you met a guy who was super attractive. The sparks instantly fly between the two of you and you quickly jump into a relationship, without knowing much about him other than that he was great in bed.
Fast forward to 6 months later when the chemistry between you fades and you realize that you have nothing in common. You do not see eye-to-eye on anything – from where you spend your weekends, to how you treat each other, to where you want to live, to the things that are important to you in life, and so on.
There are many ways that your differences may start to show up but it will feel like every decision becomes a BIG decision because you disagree on everything. Every day with him starts to feel like a struggle.
That may be a sign that you are with the wrong person. Why? Because when you are with someone who is RIGHT for you, then for the most part, your interaction should be smooth and easy. You should feel like you are on the same wavelength.
If not, you may both be great people – but not good for each other.
That is why finding someone who is “perfect for YOU” is more important than someone who has the right criteria on paper.
The Bottom Line
The grass is greener where you water it.
The bottom line is this. If you have a lot in common overall, if the qualities that you NEED from him are there, if you enjoy each other’s company and you are attracted to one another, then the grass being greener is probably just an illusion.
If the above is missing in your relationship and you are constantly feeling rejected and unhappy, then you may need to move forward and find someone who makes you feel beautiful, happy, warm, and safe, and connected.
You have to look at how you fit together and whether or not your values are aligned with each other.
What makes a relationship great is the ability to authentically connect, to be on the same wavelength, and to grow together without too much friction. Relationships should be easy when it comes to day-to-day life – especially if you know how to keep a man’s interest and maintain his attraction for you. If you are not sure how, read this article on how to become a High Quality Woman who knows how to keep a man in love.
Once you know how to be a High Quality Woman, you will never have to “settle” in a relationship again. You will know how to attract the most High Quality Men just by being the best version of yourself. This also has to do the with understanding that relationships are not perfect- they are what we MAKE them.
Also, go here to get your free e-book “8 Major Mistakes That Most Women Make with Men” in order to ensure that your relationship reaches the highest and most satisfying level of love, attraction, passion, and commitment.
In the end, when all is said and done, the answer to the question “Is there someone better out there?” is YES. There is always something or someone out there that is better in SOME WAY. However, once we learn to be grateful for what we have, once we understand that chasing perfection leads to unhappiness – things can fall into perspective and we can make the best decisions for ourselves.
The main question to ask yourself is would you be willing to sacrifice your current relationship if someone else came along? Only you can answer this question.
In the end, relationships are a choice. It is YOUR responsibility to ensure that you do not settle for less and end up unhappy. At the same time, YOU decide whether you want to invest in what you have and move forward together or leave to find someone “better”. But remember, you are likely to find just another imperfect person.